Escaping Escapism: From Consuming to Scrolling to Being Current

“Sit with it. As a substitute of consuming it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, consuming it away, or working from it. Simply sit with it. Therapeutic occurs by feeling.” ~Unknown

I had no thought I had so many emotions till 4 years in the past. I grew to become sober and instantly began overflowing with feelings—feelings I by no means knew I had.

I finished consuming simply over a month after my twenty-fifth birthday, in January of 2021. I drank so much in school, typically going out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights each week. As soon as I graduated, although, my consuming mellowed. I used to be nonetheless going out, however paying for my very own drinks (versus the free stream of alcohol at a school celebration) pressured me to drink much less to save lots of extra.

Early in 2020, my consuming elevated once more as a consequence of being caught inside whereas in an disagreeable dwelling scenario. By the top of 2020, although, I once more wasn’t consuming a lot—possibly a glass of wine or two in the course of the weekend. I used to be, nonetheless, smoking weed every day.

Hashish, a substance utilized by many to calm their anxiousness, did the alternative for me. Day-after-day after work, I’d sit on the entrance porch and smoke a joint—by means of rain, snow, something. I cherished the heady feeling of being excessive.

Once I was excessive, I felt motivated to change into a greater particular person (that motivation, nonetheless, lacked follow-up motion). I felt like a toddler once more, seeing every little thing with surprise in my (droopy pink) eyes.

Whereas I loved the consequences of weed, I additionally felt my anxiousness, an ever-present being in my psyche, slowly change into extra intense. One harrowing night time, after being up for hours having panic assaults brought on by each alcohol and weed, I made the choice to strive sobriety.

I went into sobriety with no expectations. It was an experiment for me, though I had a hunch I used to be on the fitting path. Wouldn’t smoking assist my psychological well being? Would quitting consuming decrease my anxiousness? I used to be about to search out out.

I spotted that one thing modifications while you cease partaking with dangerous substances, nearly like a swap slowly flips the much less mind-altering medicine are in your physique. Issues change into clear, like taking off glasses you didn’t know you had been carrying. You notice issues and keep in mind issues, particularly stuff you didn’t anticipate. Ideas you had forgotten, reminiscences you thought you blocked, trauma you thought you had launched.

There’s one thing concerning the absence of something mind-altering within the physique that makes issues abundantly clear. In early sobriety, I found that the anxiousness I assumed I used to be healed from was solely mendacity dormant.

I’ve had anxiousness my total life; a few of my earliest reminiscences are of being anxious. I keep in mind beginning kindergarten nervous that my friends would make enjoyable of me for the best way I chewed.

By January 2021, I assumed I had my anxiousness underneath management. I used to be on the identical medicine I had began 9 years prior. I used to be going to remedy commonly. I used to be conversant in the sensation of butterflies taking on my abdomen, the wash of warmth or chilly that may overtake me throughout a extremely anxious second.

I didn’t, nonetheless, know how you can handle my anxiousness with none substances. The second I finished smoking every day, it felt like all of the suppressed anxiousness got here to hang-out me. My legs had been always bouncing. My abdomen was always upset. My coronary heart was always pounding. I couldn’t go a day with out a minimum of an hour of panic assaults.

I used to be terrified and confused, pondering to myself, Shouldn’t I be feeling higher? I assumed I moved previous these intense emotions ages in the past.

With time, my panic assaults grew to become fewer and farther between. I realized to permit the emotions to stream by means of my physique—my legs would finally cease bouncing, my abdomen would finally really feel regular, my coronary heart would finally return to its pure rhythm.

However I nonetheless unconsciously tried to search out distractions. I drank caffeine, and I scrolled on social media. I learn a pile of self-help books with out taking any motion. Simply studying the e book is sufficient to really feel profitable in self-improvement, proper? However actually, I used to be in the identical place as I used to be pre-sobriety. The one distinction was I used to be suppressing my emotions with social media as an alternative of the bottle or a joint.

Then I wakened someday and acknowledged that social media was serving the identical objective as substances did. I’d stand up on the weekends feeling hungover, though I hadn’t drank the night time earlier than. I had, nonetheless, scrolled TikTok for an hour.

Getting away from bed after bingeing social media looks like getting away from bed after bingeing alcohol. I had stopped utilizing substances, however I hadn’t stopped doing every little thing I may to get away from experiencing every little thing occurring inside me.

As soon as I had this realization, I attempted, desperately, to course of my feelings, to really feel my emotions, however the lure of TikTok was so sturdy. I’d inform myself solely 5 minutes however can be in the identical place an hour later with a stiff neck, berating myself for bingeing TikTok but once more.

Escapism was screaming in my ear, and it was so, really easy to present in. Reaching for a cellphone takes a second; processing an emotion takes minutes. Which one is less complicated? Which one is extra helpful? Which one will make me really feel higher?

I used to be caught on this cycle of eager to be in contact with my emotions, of eager to embrace life, however frequently falling into the lure of 1 dependancy or one other as a result of it’s Simply. So. Straightforward.

Our telephones had been designed to suck us in and rewire our brains to make use of them to flee our lives. And irrespective of how a lot I acknowledge that and the way a lot I need to be totally current day by day, I can’t appear to cease making an attempt to disregard my emotions.

Day-after-day once I get house from work, I ‘decompress,’ utilizing my thirty minutes of allotted TikTok time curled up on the sofa. I do really feel refreshed after, however I can’t assist however assume, how shut are we to dwelling within the spaceship from Wall-E? How quickly will all of us be so glued to expertise we’ll be bodily allergic to human emotion?

When there have been talks of TikTok getting banned within the US, individuals had been freaking out. Influencers who make their revenue on the app had been posting movies on the place else they might be discovered. Individuals had been revealing secrets and techniques—some influencers even admitted to constructing their platforms on lies.

When did we change into so depending on an app? How have we gone from dial-up web to tiny computer systems in our pockets that we are able to use anytime, wherever in the midst of my lifetime? And why are social media apps designed like casinos—to present us little dopamine hits right here and there to maintain us engaged and addicted?

Once I phrase it like that, social media may be simply seen as evil. Nevertheless, social media has additionally completed lots of good.

I’ve used TikTok to search out recommendations on managing anxiousness, on curing migraines, and exercises.

Individuals have donated the cash they’ve made to good causes—to rebuilding Asheville after Hurricane Helene, to Deliberate Parenthood, and to purchase faculty lunches for kids.

Unknown authors, singers, and comedians have gained followers and recognition.

How can one thing that’s completed a lot good be so dangerous on the identical time? How will we, as people with pleasure-seeking brains, reconcile this dichotomy? I commonly have this dialog with my therapist, as I acknowledge how far I’ve come.

It took two years of sobriety for me to WANT to acknowledge my emotions. Though I had been in remedy on and off since I used to be a toddler, my remedy grew to become rather more efficient post-sobriety.

I felt like I used to be on the quick monitor to therapeutic, like earlier than I had been dragging my ft with my therapist, and now we had been working collectively like athletes. It nonetheless took some time, nonetheless, to show away from escapism and embrace my internal world.

It’s taken one other two years to start out turning into conscious of each time I flip to one in all my vices. Life is so busy that it’s straightforward for me to go every week consuming caffeine day by day, or extending my TikTok display time for fifteen extra minutes 4 instances in a row.

It’s taken years of constructing information of what makes me really feel good (for actual) and what makes me really feel like substances used to—good for a second, dangerous for some time.

I really like studying, and I at all times really feel refreshed after taking a while out of my day to learn. Listening to music can at all times put me in an excellent temper. How lengthy is it going to take for me to completely let go of expertise, of dampening my feelings to keep away from unpleasantness? Will I ever discover peace?

Had somebody informed me 4 years in the past I’d be writing concerning the similarities between substances and social media, I’d’ve laughed and stated, “They’re each so enjoyable; they make my life higher!” However that’s dependancy, isn’t it? Even if you happen to don’t have “an issue,” seeking to exterior sources to your happiness will at all times finish in struggling.

Though sobriety hasn’t solved my want to flee, I do really feel so much higher than earlier than, and I proceed enhancing day by day. Over time, I’ve realized to simply accept and sit with my feelings. I do know that every little thing will move, even probably the most disagreeable emotions.

4 years in, I lastly perceive that vices are a approach to run away from emotions. I’ll by no means completely escape escapism, however so long as I proceed making an attempt to decide on presence and consciousness, that should be sufficient.